I spent the last 3 days watching movies online with chatrooms.. shooting bad puns into the void. It's a bit of narcissism, filling the empty space with the sounds of empty cans dancing about the floor. It was a bit of a social experiment I suppose.

Once, I was misinterpreted and muted, and I sat on the verge of emptiness with watery eyes, only to be rescued by 2 different people who saw that I meant no harm.

Once, I inherited the attention of of psychological button presser who saw kinship in my whimsey, and thusly attached himself to my side liike a pilotfish as we hopped from channel to channel. He played the room with amateurish pestering, and I spent my time downplaying his rough edges with apologetic sillyness.

Further on, he led me to a room full of lenient moderators who tolerated my steadily faltering sense of humor as the night grew long.   Then they started talking about their children and the alienation festered. I wished them all a goodnight after American Psycho, and recieved no response.

I seem to be scrambling for anything to focus my attention. I keep seeing faces I want to sketch, but the tools seem inaccessable, buried under hard edges. Mia Kirshner, Rose from youtube, and someone I have a crush on.. I want to sketch all of their faces. I wonder what possible positive outcome, accessing that fascination in such an abstract fashion, could provide. Digging up unresolvable emotions doesnt tend to make them any less potent.

  And so I watched Eternal Sunshine with a Spotless Mind. It held my attention. The imperfection of communication.



BTW- hi, Deviantart is my emo outlet apparently.  I drop it here and come back a few months later for a good laugh.

I havent been in a great place lately. Money concerns paint everything ugly. People keep asking me for what little savings I have.. my roomate, my family, my roomate's cat, my friend's drug habit.. and yet these people have these ridiculous addictions that they would rather place before rent priority. I want nothing to do with it. But either way I approach it, it paints the world ugly.

Sitting on my answering machine 3 messages deep is an awkward message from another estranged friend. We had a falling out years ago when he sold a decent chunk of my cd collection for weed and espresso money. He also owes me 1600 dollars for rent on a house we shared at one time.. Anyhow- I've tried to renew our friendship once or twice over the years. I even tried to go visit him when one of our mutual acquaintances spontaneously offered to bring me to one of their get togethers. He said it was a bad time to have me over when I checked up on the offer, and since.. well I'm the bees knees who could never ever get in the way or be in the wrong place at the wrong time, I took his curt dismissal as a finality, and haven't bothered to contact him since. Now- more than a year later he leaves me an answering machine message in an unsure wavering voice seeing what is up.  And he just sounds weak. I don't want him to sound weak I want him to sound like he found a good place away from the stress of owing me money. I want him to sound like he is confident with his life choices. But I can count the number of friends I actually visit locally on the thumbs of one of my hands.

I think sometimes I should move closer to work and fraternize with my coworkers. I don't know if i could hang out with people drinking all night. I mean I don't mind them but the music is usually too loud to carry a conversation, and the bartenders dont like water drinkers who arent designated drivers. If I moved my living expenses would nearly double, but i probably wouldnt get the chest infections from the steel mill/cafe/roomate's cat/smoking. New places have new problems, especially on a poverty level budget. And I dont know if I could leave my roomate to his own devices. I'd be afraid he'd become homeless. It's nice having someone to talk to, especially someone who shares your interests.. but he has all but given up on any sort of housecleaning. And so I leave his messes to fester out of spite hoping he will figure it out. Once you start on the nagging train, it's hard to stop.

I'm just clawing pretty hard for a muse. I need to see something beautiful to remind me everything is alright. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind finally did that for me tonight, but I'm not sure how long it will last. One of my classic fallbacks is that mankind and artifice are  inconsequential compared to every other brilliantly crafted element on this planet. There are things to behold that people didn't create, and that gives me peace.